i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
