Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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