ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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