oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
