so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
