you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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