If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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