Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
