Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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