that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize