All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
