I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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