how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
