Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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