There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
