He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
