if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
