My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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