It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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