im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
