The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We are all done wearing pants today
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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