Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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