I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
