Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
