wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize