i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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