on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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