i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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