ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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