I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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