Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
