YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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