I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
