now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
