So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
