I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
