I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
