Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
