Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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