we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
