I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
