I didn't shave. On purpose
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
