So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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