I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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