I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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