I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
