I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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