wrigley field is MILF paradise
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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