I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
