I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
this is an emotional support booty call
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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