he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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