I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
