and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
