and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
third nipple confirmed
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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