I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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