I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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