I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
