I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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