apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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