you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
