we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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