I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Randomize
