Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
