left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize