I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize