my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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