the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
